In Other Words
by Alabaster Plum
Summary: An analysation of Asuka during Instrumentality, with new perspectives on elements in the series. Rated R for mature and thematic content and some language.
1. Defeat & the Acknowledgment of a Facade

- - - - - - - - - -  
  
The First Character.br The Case of the Fanfiction's Author.br Part I.  
  
Own do I not the characters of Shin Seiki Evangelion, who unfortunately are all legal property of Gainax, Project E, and Anno Hideaki. Please do not sue me, though if you must, I have to tell you: It's Seele, dammit! They ain't got nothin' on me!  
  
I urge you to not read this unless you have seen the entire series as well as the End of Evangelion. Please be aware that this fanfic involves various dramatic themes such as suicide, depression, violence, mild and brief language, and all of that other heart-warming stuff. Despite the previous warning, this fanfic also contains a heaping chunk of WAFF. I tried to keep the characters as realistic and in character as possible, so please forgive me for not making Asuka terribly kind in the beginning or picturing Rei as a giggly freak obsessed with winning Shinji.  
  
I'd like to give many thanks to my boyfriend, of course, who is indirectly my muse and inspiration, and also to my good friend Carmen who re-sent me this fanfic after I lost the file on my computer. Finally, some Japanese terms are used sparingly for realism throughout the fanfic, and translations are included at the end of each chapter. Stalker-like praise or profoundly vulgar criticism can be directed to octoberfirefiy@aol.com, if you would rather not comment. Either is welcome, and I don't bite (as long as you find me after I have eaten).  
  
And now, without further ado, I present my very first fanfic in the world! Please read fanfics in a well-lit room and be careful not to sit too close to the monitor.. oh, sorry. Wrong GAINAX show.  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
In Other Words..br 01 : Defeat and the Acknowledgment of a Facade  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
Something had begun to consume me; it was more eager than confidence and more willing than desperation. I was arrested by some perverted sadism as I let out a cruel grimace, my hand plunging through the core of one Unit, it's tongue sliding out of its mouth in a way that made me disgusted, and gripping the core of another.  
  
I made a hastened glance to my right where I saw the milliseconds of my internal battery power dwindling rapidly, my seconds declining until they were two digits.  
  
Fifteen seconds.  
  
But everything was okay: I was invincible with my AT Field. I had defeated seven Units in less than five minutes, and there were only two remaining.  
  
At that moment, a flicker of silver behind me seized my attention and I turned around, sneering confidently as I lifted my hand to stop an Eva's shield from assaulting me.  
  
Mama would protect me.  
  
I was invincible.  
  
Suddenly, the shield became more slender and twisted into a smaller version of the Lancea Longinus. I recoiled in my seat as I let out a soft cry of surprise, a split second before it raped my AT Field in seconds and plunged through the body of my Eva.  
  
In the midst of my scream, the power of my internal battery gave out.  
  
0:00:00.  
  
The interiour of the entry plug darkened.. or was that only me?  
  
I was screaming hysterically, whimpering as I could feel brain fluids dripping out from my wound. I grasped the controls and pulled them incessantly, hoping for my beloved Unit to respond.  
  
But I was powerless.  
  
I brought both of my hands to my eye, applying pressure as if anything would stop the bleeding. I could die in here, and nobody would care. Nobody would notice.  
  
Mama, why didn't you protect me?  
  
Why didn't you protect me?  
  
Why didn't anyone protect me?  
  
Shinji.. my sweet Invincible Shinji..  
  
Don't you care enough to save me?  
  
He would protect her..  
  
But not me.  
  
"SCHEIß!"  
  
Something was happening.. what's happening? I could barely see at all and my left eye was completely decapitated, my right blurred with the shaming sting of tears. My body felt as if it were being ripped apart..  
  
I forced myself to open my eyes..  
  
Or really, my eye..  
  
I faintly saw white, winged creatures. Were they angels?  
  
But no, they were the Units. I had defeated them all. I had defeated them all. I had killed them. They were dead, they were dead weren't they?  
  
They were eating me!  
  
"Stop it!"  
  
Mama, protect me!  
  
"Stop!"  
  
Shinji!  
  
"Dammit!"  
  
Wonder Girl, stupid bitch!  
  
"Tasukete! Shinji! Tasukete! TASUKETE!"  
  
I felt pieces of my body being pulled away, stretched, and then being torn off. Then it stopped.  
  
My body was bleeding profusely, and I pressed my eye and slipped my hand over my stomach to stop the bleeding.  
  
But blood was everywhere..  
  
My arms were bleeding, and I had lost one leg. Or was that my Eva? Everything was painful, but they had stopped. Everything was silent.  
  
Everything hurt..  
  
God damn everything..  
  
Mama was letting me die.  
  
"I'll kill you.."  
  
For one moment, I had turned to that bitch, that lifeless doll, for help.  
  
"I'll kill you.."  
  
Shinji had refused to help me.  
  
"I'll kill you.."  
  
I forced myself to sit up slightly and trembled as I lifted my hand at what I could see of my enemies as they mocked me, flying away as if I couldn't fight.  
  
"I'll kill you.."  
  
The interiour of the Eva had brightened again; had it activated? Did I have power?  
  
"I'll kill you.. I'll kill you.."  
  
It meant that I had a chance.  
  
"I'll kill you.."  
  
I could defeat them.  
  
"I'll kill you.."  
  
I could win.  
  
"I'll kill you.."  
  
I could beat everyone.  
  
"I'll kill you.."  
  
Mama would notice me.  
  
"I'll kill you.."  
  
Wonder Girl would be second place.  
  
"I'll kill you.."  
  
Shinji..  
  
"I'll kill you.."  
  
Shinji would..  
  
"I'll kill you.. I'll kill you..""  
  
He would care ab --  
  
My arm split in half.  
  
"SHINJI!"  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
The Beginning of Instrumentality.br  
  
The Second Character.br The Case of Asuka Langley Sohryuu.br Part I.  
  
There is another.  
  
A foreign voice. A frightening voice.  
  
"You seek your own value in the perception of others."  
  
Shut up..  
  
"Are you afraid of being alone?"  
  
Shut up.. shut up, God dammit!  
  
Separation Anxiety.br Affection Behaviour.  
  
Where am I? Why am I alive? There is darkness. Things come into perception. I am seated. I am in my yellow summer dress. I can see.. I have both of my eyes!  
  
There is the presence of someone else behind me.  
  
Ikari Shinji.  
  
"What do you want, Asuka?"  
  
His voice is soft, comforting. "I want you to stay the same."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because.." Because there is a feeling that is not tangible or explicable for you. Because I sense that you feel something similar. Because if you change, you might leave me.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because.."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Just because, dumm Kopf!"  
  
"Are you afraid of change?"  
  
"I'm not afraid of anything."  
  
"Are you afraid of loneliness?" His voice had become callous.  
  
"No. I want to live by myself. I don't need anybody else!"  
  
Do you need..br your mother?  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
I was to become the pilot of Evangelion Unit 02, the Second Children. I was to be the most important protector of mankind, and everyone would look at me. Everyone would respect me, and care about me. They would need me to fight for them, or else they would be killed.  
  
"Mama, I'm going to be an Eva Pilot," the childhood Asuka said happily in her high-pitched voice.  
  
I looked at myself from a distance, this small and fragile six-year-old girl running eagerly to see her mother. I wanted to stop her -- I knew what would happen. This fairy tale was familiar.  
  
"I'm going to be the number one protector of mankind! Everyone will like me, Mama! I won't have to be lonely anymore! I'll be okay, even without Papa," she had exclaimed jubilantly.  
  
Lonely? I felt a presence again, gazing at the same pathetic image of my childhood self.  
  
"I said that before, but I am still lonely. Mama killed herself.. she was hanging from the ceiling."  
  
"That is loneliness?" I felt his Prussian blue eyes staring coldly at me. Shinji, why are you angry at me?  
  
"I don't know. I guess so. It's painful."  
  
"What is pain?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"What is pain?"  
  
"Pain is not being the best."  
  
"What is pain?"  
  
"Pain is caring for something and not having your affection being returned."  
  
"What is pain?"  
  
"Pain is knowing that even when you are your best, it is not enough."  
  
"What is pain?"  
  
"Pain is knowing that you are needed and noticed by nobody."  
  
There was another presence behind me, to my left.  
  
"If you are not noticed by anyone, you do not exist. You are formed by the perception of others."  
  
I let out a deprecating laugh as I turned around to stare at her. "I know I've hit rock bottom when a wind-up doll is giving me advice."  
  
"I am not a doll."  
  
"You are a doll! You do whatever that sick-minded Gendo or Shinji says," I smirked happily, and then turned to Shinji. "Does that make you happy, Shinji? Knowing that there's someone who will do anything for you? Someone who can fulfill your little jerk-off fantasies for you? You pervert!"  
  
Ayanami disappeared, and I found myself standing in Misato's kitchen with Shinji.  
  
"Why do you call me a pervert?" Shinji questioned, his eyes narrowed with scrutiny.  
  
I opened my mouth to respond in an angry tone, but there was another me, beside me, that answered for me.  
  
"I'm covering up for my own insecurities. I want you, Shinji. I want to be touched and fondled by you. Rape me, Shinji! Let me know I mean something to you! I will do anything for you: just need me!" Suddenly I gasped as disturbing green images flickered in my mind of Shinji standing in front of partially nude version of myself, his hand roughly gripping himself as he stared at my chest.  
  
"Shut up, you stupid perverted Doll!" I lunged for the image but she disappeared along with the familiar kitchen setting, which was replaced with a view of a torn monkey doll, its head ripped off slightly so the stuffing protruded.  
  
A wareness dawned that Shinji was near me still. "Why do you hate dolls?"  
  
"Because they're stupid and worthless! They have no emotions and they just do whatever everyone else says."  
  
"Does that frighten you?"  
  
"No, they're just stupid! Why would I be afraid of a dumb doll!?"  
  
I then saw my childhood self pick up the ragged doll and wrap her arms around it. "Because Mama wanted us to be her doll. She wanted us to go to Heaven with her."  
  
"But I refused. I am not a doll!"  
  
"We refused.. that's why Mama got a new Asuka, but she hated even that one and she killed it." My childhood self dropped the molested doll onto the ground and disappeared.  
  
"I am not a doll!"  
  
Ayanami appeared next to the doll, her coldly indifferent stare currently residing on her countenance.  
  
"As I am not a doll."  
  
"You are a doll, stupid bitch!" I turned to face Shinji and I smiled fakely, "Do you like playing with your little perfect dolly?"  
  
"I am not a doll," Ayanami unenthusiastically repeated.  
  
"Shut up, doll!" I grabbed Wonder Girl by her neck and ripped off her head with ease, letting it fall to the ground as stuffing was revealed in her wounds. "Hah, now you and that stupid monkey look even more alike."  
  
"Are you jealous of dolls?" Shinji asked in his monotone voice.  
  
"Why would I be? Who wants to be a submissive object with no soul?"  
  
"Dolls are made in man's image, but their flaws are perfected."  
  
Another soft voice came from below me: it was the detached head of Ayanami speaking. "Just as Eva is made in man's image, designed to fulfill Instrumentality which will perfect man's flaws."  
  
"Hmph! When I start getting lessons from Shinji and Wonder Girl, I know I've hit rock bottom!"  
  
"Are you jealous of dolls?" Shinji asked once more.  
  
"No. I'm not."  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
I found myself in a dank apartment with unpainted walls, bloodied bandages shoved haphazardly into boxes with an unmade bed near the window and a bureau holding an empty beaker. Shinji was in front of the dresser, wearing a pair of remotely familiar glasses. Was this another figment of my imagination?  
  
He turned around then and saw me, gasping and blushing slightly as he fell back gently.  
  
"Surprised? You should be! The most popular girl in school is talki--"  
  
A nude Ayanami brushed past me, towards Shinji, leaning forward against him. "Ugh! You slut!" But my voice was unheard, as I was merely an observer.  
  
Shinji tripped (accidentally, I am sure) and both of the teenagers lost their balance, resulting in Wonder Girl falling onto the floor and Shinji landing on top of her, staring directly at her, one hand (accidentally, once again, I'm sure) landing on top of her right breast.  
  
"Agh! You two perverts, this is so indecent!"  
  
Suddenly Shinji acknowledged me and turned to face me. "Or does it only anger you because it is Rei, and not you?"  
  
"Why would that anger me? A spineless coward and a doll! You two make a perfect match."  
  
"I am not a coward."  
  
"Oh yeah? Prove it."  
  
We were in the kitchen once again, and Ayanami was thankfully gone. Shinji was walking towards me and he paused momentarily as he positioned his face in front of mine, closing his eyes slightly as I blushed.  
  
"Stop breathing.. it tickles me," he whispered in a soft voice before he slipped his two fingers over my nose and squeezed it so I could not breathe, leaning forward to give me a deep kiss.  
  
I suddenly pulled back and slapped him.  
  
"Does not being in control scare you?"  
  
"No! Why would it?"  
  
"By compromising your power, you lose your importance and respect in the perception of others. Does not being the best scare you?"  
  
"I am the best!"  
  
"Does being second best to Wonder Girl scare you?"  
  
"I am the best, dammit!"  
  
The familiar school setting during gym class. The three Stooges were intently eyeing the girls above who were swimming in the pool. For some reason, I was dressed in the boys gym uniform, standing beside Shinji who did not acknowledge me at all, as he stared up with Kensuke and Touji.  
  
The two latter suddenly interrupted him. "What were you staring at!? Ayanami?" Shinji blushed immediately in a way that would have made my heart flutter if it did not make it break. "Aa-aa, no! I mean.."  
  
"C'mon, you can tell us!"  
  
"Well.. I guess so.."  
  
"What exactly? Ayanami's thighs? Ayanami's boobs!? Ayanami's.. calves," the two said in unison with a wistful tone. Suddenly, Shinji laughed and responded, "All of them. She is hot, I swear. Did I tell you once when I had to deliver her ID card.. to her house?" He was grinning in a sly way as his two friends began to cry in anticipation. "Yes, tell us again, teacher!"  
  
"I walked into her house, accidentally of course, right when she walked out of the shower. Completely naked, water dripping off her body.. anyway, she walked over to me and pulls me on top of her, forcing me to squeeze her.."  
  
His two friends were sobbing as they mentally worshiped their mentor.  
  
"You pervert! That's not what happened! This is unreal!"  
  
My surroundings melted away into black, Shinji standing in front of me. "This is what could have happened. This is another possibility of something I could have said."  
  
"But.. no, you're not like that, Shinji.. I know you're not."  
  
Another Shinji appeared next to him, wearing his gym school uniform. "How can you be sure? There are a million Shinji, and you only know one."  
  
"But Shinji would never say that!"  
  
The second Shinji smirked and shrugged, saying, "Maybe it just scares you that I like another girl instead of you."  
  
"I.."  
  
My voice betrayed me as it cracked. "What would you find in that stupid DOLL?"  
  
Ayanami appeared wearing her teal school uniform, but it could not have been her. Her white blouse was unbuttoned three times, revealing that she was not wearing anything underneath. Immediately the second Shinji began to ogle her and burst out into tears as she walked behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist, pressing herself against him as she looked up to meet my gaze.  
  
"Maybe he wants someone who isn't such a prude and doesn't have such a strange phobia against 'perverts.'"  
  
Another Ayanami and Shinji appeared, both in their plug suits, silently conversing in front of the orange Eva 00 and smiling softly at one another before the former turned to me and said, "Maybe he wants someone who doesn't yell and insult him all the time."  
  
Then, everything dropped into complete black and I was left alone once more, sitting in my seat with my head buried in my lap as I sobbed silently to myself, a puddle of red surrounding me as my whimpers were muted by the overwhelming dark..  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
Foreign Terms  
  
Scheiß; shyce, somewhat vulgar curse, "shit," German. Tasukete; tahs keh teh, help me, Japanese. Dumm Kopf; doom kopf, simpleton. Literally, dumb/silly head, German.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - 


	2. The Mask Breaking & the Ignorance of His...

- - - - - - - - - -  
  
In Other Words..br 02 : The Mask Breaking and the Ignorance of His Profession  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
The Second Character.br The Case of Asuka Langley Sohryuu.br Part II.  
  
I saw myself lying on the floor facing the wall with Hikari beside me lying on her back, looking directly up at the ceiling. "I hate myself.. I probably won't be able to pilot Eva Unit 02 again. That stupid bitch rescued me. That bitch rescued me!" The other me curled up again into a more fetal position.  
  
"Asuka, I think.. I think you could do anything you want right now, and I wouldn't say a thing."  
  
I saw myself open her eyes and roll over to Hikari, hesitating for a moment and then getting up so she was on all fours above her and then leaning down to kiss her deeply. Her friend was startled but did not refuse before she returned the kiss with equal fervor, wrapping her arms about her waist and pulling her down against her as the two girls passionately kissed.  
  
"As.. Asuka, is th-this what you want?" Hikari asked nervously, as the two teenagers paused to breathe.  
  
"Yes, Hikari.. I want.. you," the other Asuka responded in a sultry voice.  
  
"No! I never did that! That's disgusting!"  
  
Shinji appeared standing next to me, his eyes holding a condemning nature. "Maybe you are simply insecure about your own sexuality."  
  
"I am not! Two girls doing that is.. it's just disgusting!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because it is!"  
  
"Maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you who you really want."  
  
"I don't want Hikari! She's just a friend, and that's disgusting."  
  
"Who do you want?"  
  
"I want.."  
  
Hikari's bedroom faded and was replaced with 'Over the Rainbow' as I saw myself clinging to another's muscular arm, squealing in delight.  
  
"..Kaji-kun! Ne, want to kiss me?"  
  
Kaji recoiled slightly in surprise, perhaps considering it for a moment before responding in a joking tone. "Hey, you know that stuff's not for kids."  
  
"I'm not a kid!" she responded honestly as the other me unbuttoned her shirt five times quickly so a healthy amount of her cleavage spilled out. "See, look!"  
  
"No! I don't want to remember that," I yelled angrily at myself, disbelieving that I could have ever done that.  
  
Suddenly, another Asuka appeared beside me staring at myself. "Ugh! Pervert! He must be at least thirty! Is that slut that desperate and lonely!? How indecent!"  
  
A smirking Ayanami appeared on my other side, staring at the indecent scene. "How pathetic, being guilty of the one thing that seems to bother you the most. Quite hypocritical, don't you think?"  
  
Fortunately, the scenery became black again and everyone disappeared except for Shinji.  
  
"Maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you who you really want."  
  
"No.. it's not Kaji that I want."  
  
"Who do you want then?"  
  
"I want.."  
  
"Who do you want then?"  
  
"I.. it's.."  
  
"Who do you want then?"  
  
"I want Shinji.."  
  
I had admitted it, to myself and to Shinji. I turned around to smile at him, the first time he would have ever truly seen me smile, but I could not. I was in Misato's living room, and Shinji was sitting on the multi- coloured "Tornado" mat, his headphones around his neck as he listened to Misato argue with another me.  
  
"Ha! Nobody else can do it but me, though, ne?"  
  
Nonchalantly, the twenty-eight-year-old guardian simply said, "Rei."  
  
I watched as Ayanami stood up and slipped on the headphones that the other me had slipped off moments ago. The two began to perform in perfect synchronisation together.  
  
"Hm," Misato mused to herself. "Maybe I should replace Asuka with Rei."  
  
The scenery melted into black and I turned around, beginning to cry as I stared at Shinji. My childhood self appeared beside me, looking up sadly at Mama, who was hanging at the ceiling while we both yelled in unison, "No, no! Don't replace me.. don't replace me. I promise I'll change!"  
  
Mama, my childhood self, and Shinji faded into black as Ayanami appeared in their place. "Are you afraid of change?"  
  
"I'm not afraid of anything," I said jokingly, before replying in a soft murmur, "I'm not afraid if it means I can be happy."  
  
"Are you afraid of being happy?"  
  
"Of course not," I said with an air of indignance.  
  
"What is happiness?"  
  
"The opposite of loneliness," I responded sadly.  
  
"What is loneliness?"  
  
"The absence of others."  
  
"Yet you are always in the presence of others, meaning you could not possibly be lonely and therefore ruling out the possibility of being unhappy."  
  
I smiled self-deprecatingly as I looked down at the floor, slipping my hand over my forehead and massaging my temples gently. "Even if you aren't a doll, I never thought you could be this naïve."  
  
"What is your perception of me if I am not a doll?"  
  
"You're just.. there."  
  
"Who is the Ayanami Rei in your mind?"  
  
"She is.. a classmate. The pilot of Unit 01. And she is the.."  
  
"Object of Ikari's affections?"  
  
I remembered when Armisael attacked and Shinji gallantly rushed out to save Rei, despite the fact that during Arael's assault he had not even tried to help me. I remembered myself whimpering in my entry plug: 'Am I so worthless to you? You didn't do this for me..'  
  
"Yes.. I've definitely hit rock bottom when you can complete my sentences for me."  
  
"How did you draw that assumption?"  
  
"You can see these things in the way people act. Like I said before, Wonder Girl, you're naïve and you probably wouldn't figure out how Shinji felt if he got up and told you directly," my tone had gotten perceptibly angrier, though it was faltering with each word as I struggled not to cry. First, she steals the only person I ever cared for, and then she makes me dissect his feelings for her bit by bit? Talk about cruel..  
  
"Perhaps you are only afraid that he might care for you."  
  
"Nobody cares about me.."  
  
"That is a conviction based only on natural insecurity."  
  
"It's no surprise that I'm insecure, what with a father who abandoned me, a mother who committed suicide because I wasn't good enough, a bunch of classmates who think I'm a bitch, a couple of adults who find value in me only because my synch ratio is higher than 0 when I'm in an Eva, and then Shinji who.. who.. Doesn't even notice me."  
  
"The actions of your parents were irrational and the few classmates who have negative opinions of you base it only on the superficial facade you insist on establishing. The employees of NERV seem to find value in you not only because of your talent with an Eva, but because of the quality of your personality. Ikari cares for you deeply, and simply knows not how to express it. The few times he tried to, you pushed him away."  
  
"Trust me, Wonder Girl, if he ever tried to show me that he thought I was worth more than nothing, I would not have pushed him away."  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
The scenery changed once again to Misato's living room, though I was becoming quite accustomed to the sudden transformations of my surroundings. We were observing the true version of the scene that had become familiar in my fantasies: Shinji's and my first kiss. I suppose the fact that I was cutting off his oxygen supply lessened the romanticism of it, but still. His lips were so soft, so warm. So sweet.  
  
Halfway through the kiss, the other me opened my eyes just slightly and noticed the look of struggle and disgust in his tightly shut eyes, my gaze drifting to his hand which was clenched into a fist. Suddenly, the other me broke the kiss and ran into the bathroom, bursting out into tears. He was disgusted with me..  
  
I remember having heard his soft footsteps approaching and, in a split- second decision, faking gurgling sounds and yelling out with as much disgust as I could muster, "I'm never kissing to pass the time again!" as I tried with difficulty to stop my voice from cracking.  
  
But now I was able to see Shinji's reaction, which at the time I had simply assumed was disgust and anger at my sudden departure, as he brought his fingertips to his lips and touched them gently, looking at his index finger and middle finger with the pained countenance of regret.  
  
"Is this truth, or another distortion of reality?"  
  
"He cares," was the statement Ayanami uttered after the memory faded into black. I had forgotten she was even beside me.  
  
"Answer me, doll. Did he really do that?"  
  
"I am not a doll."  
  
"Answer me please, Ayanami-sama," I said attempting to mock her, although it seemed to have become less fun in the past few moments.  
  
"This is truth. He appears to care for you."  
  
"That's not possible though; nobody cares about me."  
  
"Yet he does. You must learn to accept that people will attach themselves to others no matter how unlikely or unsuitable the match will be," she said softly, though not exactly in a consoling tone. "You should not push away the comfort and love others offer. Instead, embrace it and discover why they are offering you such feelings. This is what I have observed brings happiness."  
  
I opened my mouth to make a comment about how I was hitting rock bottom when I followed Ayanami's insights, but suddenly I felt faint..  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
When I opened my eyes again, the unnerving darkness that overwhelmed me was slightly relieved by the calming sound of water sliding and receding on the shore. Where am I? This feeling was not unlike the wakening from a dream.  
  
Or, in truth, a nightmare.  
  
But what had happened was neither.  
  
I suppose the better comparison was awakening from a coma, which was a familiar feeling since I had only regained consciousness hours ago. Or was it hours ago? My grasp on time had faltered, and I could only perceive that it was a black and starless night. The only light came from the lonely moon, though its emanations were dimmed by a spray of crimson splitting its image in half.  
  
There was another feeling. A presence.  
  
Shinji?  
  
Shinji?  
  
My lips parted as I inaudibly whispered his name. The fragile boy sat up beside me, silently absorbing his surroundings with the frightening look of traumatisation in his eyes.  
  
'Look at me, Mama! Ne, Mama.. look at me!'  
  
Shinji.. look at me, please..  
  
His gaze finally settled on me, his eyes still unnaturally wide and empty as I visibly swallowed and then parted my lips to speak. Before I could whisper the few words that I had denied even myself the privilege of admitting vocally, I felt his hands wrap around my throat.  
  
Strangling me.  
  
Another familiar image.. Images of Mama squeezing my doll and twisting its polyester head angrily until it was severed came to mind. But images of Shinji strangling me in Misato's living room, him lifting my body in the air by my throat as he looked down in shame but continued, flooded my mind. Why? Why did this feel familiar?  
  
Stop it, darling: why are you doing this to me?  
  
I felt his short fingernails digging into my veins as my body involuntarily began to tremble under his detrimental attention. When I felt that I could no longer continue, and that I would die, not from the vicious hands of an Angel or Eva, not from the mentally unstable wishes of my mother, not from my own self-loathing hands, but by Shinji's own hatred for me..  
  
I slid my hand over his warm, soft cheek for as many moments as my weakness would allow before I let it slip to the ground in a fashion that suggested lifelessness. I felt his grasp on my neck weaken before his hands loosened and pulled away. I heard him whimpering distantly, some warm tears gliding onto my cheek.  
  
His?  
  
This is what my touch invoked?  
  
What have I done?  
  
A flurry of thoughts assaulted my mind incessantly until I spoke my self- insulting thoughts aloud.  
  
How disgusting..  
  
"How disgusting.."  
  
The self-deprecating comment caused his delicate gaze to look up at me and stare for a multitude of moments before he wiped his eyes quietly in shame. My voice cracked and shivered with sadness as I spoke. "Liebste, was werde ich machen?"  
  
I received no reply though apparently it was not expected, considering Shinji's meager knowledge of German which consisted of "guten Morgen" and perhaps "ja."  
  
"I'm sorry," he finally managed to whisper. His voice was shivering nervously, but the friction of his sweet volume against that of the waves caused my heart to become contented in a way that it had not been for months. It was his voice, not the pressing inquiring voice belonging to the false Shinji had haunted me before.  
  
"Don't worry.."  
  
He looked into my eyes, the innocence of his surprise evident as he noted the comforting tone of my frail and barely audible voice. "Are you surprised that I can do anything other than yell?" I asked, trying to hide my sadness and slight indignation. "I.. no.. it's just that.. You seem so sad."  
  
I forced myself to sit up, using my left arm as my right seemed to be severely bandaged. He was still knelt down beside me, watching my pained movements as I attained a kneeling position like his.  
  
Now.  
  
Ikimasho, Asuka.  
  
"Liebste.. Let's both be happy, ne? Shin-chan," I said in the most saccharine voice I could accomplish with the meager volume I was allowed. Started already by the latter nickname, his eyes silently inquired on the former's definition.  
  
I slipped my hand against his cheek, mimicking the caress I had given to him minutes ago, and smiled faintly. "Anata baka.. Liebste means.."  
  
His cobalt eyes widened even more as I leaned close enough to feel his short, nervous breaths against my lips.  
  
"..my Dearest.."  
  
I leaned closer but then hesitated for a moment, as I realised that this familiar fantasy might not be mutual. If it was not, surely this ruined every possible chance that he would later change his mind about the direction of his affections.  
  
Shinji must have guessed this hesitance, for in the midst of my second- guessing he slipped his hand over my cheek and gently moved closer, opened his mouth to speak as the closeness allowed me to feel his soft lips brush against mine.  
  
"This time.. just.. let me breathe, okay?"  
  
My eyes widened but then closed again by instinct as I felt his soft, moist lips press gently against mine. It was unlike our first kiss: it was mutual, unforced.. We both trembled with the reciprocation of our affections, his fingertips running over my cheek and then sliding over my jawline.  
  
"Shinji," I whispered gently as I reluctantly pulled my lips a centimeter away from his, though there was little difference in our postures as we were still unarguably close, my forehead resting against his.  
  
"I.. sorry.."  
  
I suddenly leaned against him, my countenance breaking.  
  
My mask breaking.  
  
My facade breaking.  
  
"Tasukete.. tasukete, Shinji," I cried in anguish as a repetition of something I remember him begging me in a dream I had during my coma.  
  
I collapsed against him, covering my eyes in the fabric of his shirt which readily absorbed my tears. I suppose the naïve and inexperienced boy was nervous and surprised, but after a few minutes of my sobbing and pained whimpers, he embraced me tightly.  
  
"Let me help you.."  
  
"Help me.."  
  
"Let me help you, Asuka.."  
  
"Don't leave me.."  
  
"I'll help you, Asuka.. let me help you,"  
  
"Don't kill me.."  
  
"Asuka.. Asuka, listen to me.."  
  
"Don't let me die!"  
  
He suddenly gripped me by my shoulders and pulled my tearstained face and shivering body away from his protective warmth, and for a moment I was afraid that my insecurity had angered him.  
  
"Rib.. shite.. A smile suits you better,"  
  
His mere attempt to pronounce 'Liebste' was enough to invoke a smile as I felt his slender fingertips running through my damp hair in an attempt to soothe me.  
  
Distracted by the humour of his mispronunciation, I had not noticed what he had called me. "What did you say before?"  
  
"Koibito," he replied halfheartedly, and I was somewhat disappointed he did not make another attempt to pronounce the German term of endearment. He withdrew his physical affection as he returned to a kneeling position beside me, his hands slipping into a clasped situation in his lap.  
  
"Why do you recoil?"  
  
"This feeling is new to me."  
  
"What feeling?"  
  
"Need."  
  
Need? "Need?"  
  
"Need."  
  
"What is it that you need, Shinji?"  
  
He smiled faintly in spite of the seriousness of the situation and let out a soft murmur, though it was loud enough for me to decipher the words. "You sound like Rei."  
  
I didn't know whether to take it as a compliment or an insult. I sounded like Ayanami, the girl I loathed for winning his affections, yet she was the one who won his affections, and therefore sounding like her must be quite a compliment in his perception. "I.. see. I sound like Rei,"  
  
"Rei?"  
  
At first I didn't understand what he meant by repeating her wretched name, until I understood that he was surprised at my usage of her actual given name instead of the usual Wonder Girl, doll, or Ayanami when I was feeling on remotely good terms with her.  
  
"Yes, that is her name."  
  
"Asuka.. you're not acting like yourself."  
  
It was funny how my esteem had fluctuated so awesomely in the past sixty seconds. I had felt needed and loved, and my affections were finally being returned from the person I had cared for over a year!  
  
"You mean I'm being nice for a change?"  
  
And now the person I had cared for over a year was shocked that I actually had a sensitive side. God dammit.  
  
Yet another look of surprise passed over his face, either one of amazement that I could perceive exactly what his statement had meant, or one of bewilderment at how I could possibly think such a thing.  
  
"No.. it's not that.. It's just, this is the first time I've ever truly seen you.. without your mask."  
  
I turned to meet his gaze, which had softened from the summarisation of surprise which was becoming all too familiar to the faint outline of happiness which blossomed into a smile after he completed his sentence.  
  
"Mask?"  
  
"Yes.. man is afraid of being alone, but moreso they are afraid of being hurt, so they put up mental barriers and push away comfort which brings us even more pain." I was caught unexpectedly by the insightfulness of the remark and noticed him blushing slightly. "At least.. that's what Rei told me."  
  
"You two are pretty close, huh?"  
  
He turned towards me to protest as he usually did until he noticed the emptiness of my voice and gaze. All of the happiness that our soft shared kiss had brought was rapidly fleeting and was being replaced by the not-so- rare feeling of inadequacy.  
  
"I guess so,"  
  
I dug my hands into the fine sand, grinding it between my fingers and forcing myself to smile as truthfully as was possible instead of insulting him to hide my sadness. Instead of running away. Funny; I had never noticed how similar I was to Shinji.  
  
"That's sweet.. it's nice that you have somebody to care for that way."  
  
"That way?.. Aa -- anou, iie.. it's not like that."  
  
The blush that crept over his cheeks and his nervous stammering reassured my insecurities and augmented my reasons for despising myself. But again, I forced myself to suppress these feelings as I leaned forward and grinned although there was an undeniable sting in my eye.  
  
"Hah! Yeah right, you can't even stop yourself from blushing."  
  
"But really.. it's not like that. It's.. a different feeling. Like mother.."  
  
"Mama?"  
  
"Yes.. she gives me a feeling like my mother did."  
  
My doubting diminished slightly, for, despite all of the trauma Shinji had endured, I was sure he was not desperate enough to resort to incest.  
  
"How did she make you feel? Your mama, that is,"  
  
"Comfortable. Kind of.. safe."  
  
"My mother wasn't like that."  
  
He smiled and took the opportunity to slide a little closer to me. "Really? What's she like? She sounded like a nice woman on the phone." I smiled to him weakly as my gaze fell to his hands. "Don't you remember? That was my stepmother, and she's just there for show anyway. She's as much a part of my life as Yebisu isn't a part of Misato's."  
  
"I.. oh. I forgot."  
  
"It's not that horrible."  
  
"She sounds like my father. He doesn't care about me at all."  
  
"Don't be so vain, Shinji," I said, trying my best to suggest a tone of anger instead of amazing weakness, though the fact that my voice was trembling did not help. "At least your father is there for you. My real mother was a weak woman who hung herself from a God-damn ceiling when she decided that I wasn't good enough to live for."  
  
I then let out a hollow laugh as I looked at Shinji's feet, his white shoes soiled by dirt and sand. "She was actually right though. Anyone forced to raise a little bitch like me can't be blamed if they feel like killing themselves. My stepmother had the right idea: just stay away and pass on the duty whenever it's possible. Like she said: she can stop being my mother any time she wants. How pathetic, I can't do anything right. I'm not a good daughter, a good friend, not even a good pilot. Even Ayanami is better than me: at least she can manage a synch ratio above zero. I'm pathetic! Unit 02 doesn't even respond to me anymore."  
  
He was staring blankly at me in a way that succeeded shock as he listened to me mentally collapsing. His detachment caused me to burst out into laughter once again. "And you.."  
  
"Me?"  
  
"I couldn't even get you."  
  
"Get.. me?"  
  
"Yes.. I was so haughty so as to assume that you could actually care about me. So pathetic that I listened to the advice of Wonder Girl and thought that maybe you did care about me too. And then the second I'm about to blurt out that I love you, you strangle me! It's pretty funny actually. You should laugh, too, Shinji! Laugh, it's funny, God fucking dammit! Laugh!" I yelled, partially in hopes to divert his attention from the other three- worded phrase I had spoken before.  
  
Yet, the moment that those three words escaped my mouth, I was filled with a terrible relief. He knew now, as if my sudden change in attitude was not enough to show it, although he was always somewhat dense when it came to these situations. My unstable situation allowed me to finally profess my feelings without shame, though I suppose the feeling that I was yelling about my life story as I threatened suicide and laughed maniacally was somewhat shameful.  
  
"You.. love me?"  
  
"..I.. You heard what I said. So now you know, and you can get up and abandon me, especially now that you know what a weak and mentally unstable person I am. Nobody likes to be around suicidal freaks," I said, grinning though I flinched at the last reference to myself. "Maybe you'll kill me before you leave me. Mama tried to, but I wouldn't let her. I'll let you though, it's okay. You already tried once, and I promise I won't do anything stupid like caress your cheek or say I love you or something to make you stop. Though I don't know why you w--"  
  
"Stop it, Asuka!" he yelled, raising his voice in a way that caused my to pull my knees to my chest and embrace them tightly with my arms, resting my head against my knees in an upright fetal position.  
  
It wasn't possible anymore. I had let my only defense -- my cruel, rude, and insensitive facade -- dissipate in hopes that I would find my protection in my sweet Shinji. Pathetic! The thought of someone actually caring for me. I closed my eyes and did my best to suppress everything, did my best to forget the fact that my judgment of Shinji had been wrong, and that he didn't even care enough to hear about my problems, let alone love me.  
  
Maybe if I simply stopped thinking, everything would go away and I would die. The only thing worse than knowing that he didn't love me was knowing that he hated me, and the only thing worse than that was the feeling of him staring at me.  
  
Comparing me to Wonder Girl?  
  
Are my thighs too skinny?  
  
Are my breasts too small?  
  
Are my calves not as well shaped?  
  
Maybe I should dye my hair blue?  
  
Maybe I should get red contacts?  
  
Would you love me if I was your doll?  
  
I'd do anything you ask. I'd even kill myself if you told me to: a mockery of that puppet's words. The saddest thing about all of these thoughts, however, was that I was willing to do any of them. Shinji, let me die for you, please. Give me the chance to prove to you that these feelings aren't superficial. And let me put an end to my pain as well. It would have mutual benefit.  
  
"I wish I was dead.."  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
Foreign Terms  
  
-kun; kun (with the "u" similar to the "ou" in would), male suffix for names, Japanese. -sama; sah mah, very formal suffix for names. Literally, 'your worship,' Japanese. Liebste, was werde ich machen; leebshteh, vas verdeh eek maken, Dearest, what will I do, German. Guten morgen; gooden morgen, good morning, German. Ja; ya, yes, German. Iie; ee-eh, no, Japanese. Ikimasho; eekeemashoh, let's go, Japanese. Anata baka; an'ta baka, you idiot/silly/dummy, etc, Japanese. Tasukete; tah soo keh teh, help me, Japanese. Koibito; ko eebeetoh, darling, Japanese. Anou; anoh-oh, umm, err, etc, Japanese.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - 


	3. One Final, Do You Love Me?

In Other Words..br 03 : One Final, "Do You Love Me?"  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
"Do you need me, Shinji?"  
  
"..yes."  
  
"What about.. Rei?" I asked as I struggled to maintain a stable tone.  
  
"I.. can't talk to her. She reminds of my mother sometimes, but that's only because.."  
  
He looked at my nervously as if he was about to indulge some forbidden information, and did not complete his statement though it was enough to extinguish my doubts concerning whether or not he loved her.  
  
"So.. who would you choose?" I casually inquired, in the most nonchalant tone I could achieve being sensitive to the question's nature.  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
I couldn't help but smile; truly, he was clueless.  
  
"Rei or.. me?"  
  
He turned away as he internally contemplated his response, sitting so still as there was not even a breeze to give some life to his fine chestnut hair.  
  
"I've.. already chosen, don't you think?"  
  
"..I.. don't know."  
  
"Do you care for me, Asuka?"  
  
"Yes," I replied, my voice steady and confident. This, throughout the chaos that had ensued in the past twenty-four hours or so, had endured. Had remained constant.  
  
"Before, I was so afraid you might never wake up. Even if I would never get to see you without your mask, even if you never cared about me the way I did you.. those alternatives seemed heavenly compared to me never getting to hear you call me stupid again," he said softly, recounting the thoughts that had plagued him in the past few months as I coloured.  
  
"You don't know what it's like to have nobody to turn to," he murmured ignorantly. "Or worse, to ask someone's help and know they aren't listening."  
  
"Shinji.. I was always listening," I assured gently though in the back of my mind my insecurities caused me to think that he may have been referring to someone else. "And I do know how that feels. To need help but to not know how to ask, and then to know that if you asked your pleas would be ignored anyway."  
  
"I need you.. Asuka. Chan"  
  
"..need?" Find value in? Ascertain worth in? Have formed a dependence on?  
  
"In other words.. I love you."  
  
"Love?" I stated with disbelief aloud, startled to finally hear him say the words without use of crypticism or detachment.  
  
Suddenly I felt his arms slip around my waist from behind as his fast, quick, and somewhat heavy breaths tickled my neck, his voice trembling profoundly.  
  
"I love you, Asuka.. forgive me, though. This is only my third."  
  
He leaned over my shoulder and licked his lips slightly before he pulled me into a deep and passionate kiss, his tight hold around my waist not allowing me to pull away though moments later I unreluctantly gave up my struggle and melted into his warm embrace, feeling his tongue slide against my lower lip and then somewhat innocently entwine with my own in a way that would have made Misato jealous.  
  
I leaned back against his body, relaxing myself against his warmth and the softness of his shirt, a wave of contentedness overwhelming me as I slid my arms over his, my fingers intertwining with his as they rested over my stomach.  
  
"I love you.."  
  
His forehead rested against mine as he panted gently against my lips, his eyes closed, his gracefully long eyelashes brushing against mine as they opened.  
  
"I want to be happy.. please.."  
  
One final..  
  
"Do you love me?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
Foreign Terms  
  
-chan; chan, affectionate suffix for names used for young children or couples, Japanese.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - 


End file.
